Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭