WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.