*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You Might Also Like
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
good for her
Every house has this drawer
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.