*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.