{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad