[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.