Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
You Might Also Like
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.