*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
work smarter, not harder
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry