Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.