Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”