*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
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I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?