Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”