Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.