Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.