Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute