[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Nothing to do, you say?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?