*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this