*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
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Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
welp
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Spring of Deception
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.