Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.