Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.


RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”


I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.


Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that


People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.


Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.