Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Written versions of audio books.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.