Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Animal poetry
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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