Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
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Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*