Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.