WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Lmbo
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!