*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.


“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers


I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.


Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to


Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once


Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?


[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost


Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…