You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…