[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The days of good grammer has went
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it