World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..


I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.


Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.


*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1


shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not



not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️


Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.


Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*


Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.