@noog

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

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@PhuckinCody

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

@CyborgHanky

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

@TheIronSherk

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

@EllaZee5

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

@jonnysun

βšͺ️🟧🟒βšͺ️🟑
🟒βšͺ️βšͺ️🟑βšͺ️
🟑βšͺ️🟧βšͺ️🟒
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🟑βšͺ️🟧βšͺ️βšͺ️
βšͺ️🟧βšͺ️🟑🟒
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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

@trouteyes

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

@Juicedballs

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

@PnkRckrSheena

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.