World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!