@noog

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

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@NYC_Blonde

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

@HeyoShellz

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

@mymumps

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

@mommy_cusses

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

@ShootyDoody

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

@impaulmccoy

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

@MisterBombay

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

@metickleu

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

@Cornjerker78

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.