*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….