Worlds greatest photobomb
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Bread puns are on the rise!
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
look at me when i’m typing to you
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.