worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
it be like that
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.