@zacharyflynn

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

You Might Also Like

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

@Mommin_it_up

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

@Brianhopecomedy

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@Alex_but_online

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.