Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.