@zacharyflynn
@Pork_Chop_Hair I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair 
@Mommin_it_up Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
@Brianhopecomedy I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
@ArfMeasures FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
@shutupmikeginn Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
@flashember ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
@Ramitology “PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
@Alex_but_online [Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
@WORLDSTAR Word!
@trumpetcake I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.