Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The Backseat Boys
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I didn’t realize that was an option
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.