Worst Native American name ever.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.