Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You Might Also Like
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started