Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad