Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I will never stop laughing at this
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.