Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

i have never needed anything in my life more than this