Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Birds & Planes.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

When you try jalapeños for the first time

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background