Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Children of the corn 🌽
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”