Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I bet birds love this building.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”