Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Pigeon open mic night.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
The Friday File.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life