worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
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I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.