WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.