worst…sale…ever
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
This is a whole mood;
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?