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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad


I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”


What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”


Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.


I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.


A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza


As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.


“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”


Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are


Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.