#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Monday
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
shit, they caught us—run!!!
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.