Worth remembering.
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
When I laugh on my period
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.