Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them