If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.
“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?