@MichaelTrying If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
@Grommit56 Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
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@MichaelTrying Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
@treydayway I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
@stephenjmolloy Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
@TeaPainUSA Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
@notmythirdrodeo [my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
@s1lenus Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
@Reverend_Scott [Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
@joejwest SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
@better_off_dad2 HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?