Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My Sentiments Exactly
Netflix: We have Less
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.