Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
You Might Also Like
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece