Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.