@notalogin Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
@AimeeHelene1 Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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@notalogin 
@david8hughes [opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
@rutattoos Bobby pin
@InternetHippo If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
@DaveSirus The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
@electrolemon 
@TheToddWilliams The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
@AlexvanBeek Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
@oneawkwardmom My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
@JediGigi Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC