Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.