Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Attacked by a mop.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you