Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You Might Also Like
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.