Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.