would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.